"I don't give
some kids Cs or Ds any more." These are the words of
a high school teacher who approached me after a workshop.
"Why?" I asked, assuming that I would hear how
tired she was of arguing with a few chronically griping
kids. But the teacher was trying to avoid another group
instead.
"I don't want to fight with the parents anymore,"
she explained.
Every time I share this anecdote in teacher workshops I
see a room full of heads nodding in agreement. I have come
to realize that parents are taking on teachers all over
the country. It's an epidemic. Some argue about grades,
some over cell phone confiscations and other discipline
issues. The results are the same: more and more parents
fighting with teachers rather than working with them.
My biggest concern here is not for the teachers. It's for
the kids. Fighting battles for kids at school can set a
dangerous pattern. Mom or dad goes to school, yells at teacher,
problem gets solved. Any kid will very quickly figure out
the rule: if I can get mom or dad to fight with teacher,
I'm off scot-free.
The kid is the real loser in this situation. School is not
only the place for children to learn the academic skills
they'll need to succeed in life. It's also the place where
they need to learn responsibility and accountability.
School administrators tell me that some parents view visiting
schools the way they view airing a grip at the local discount
store. "They think that because they're paying tuition
or taxes then they are entitled to get what they want."
So if parents think that their son or daughter deserves
a better grade or if a punishment is too severe they approach
the school the same way they handle a consumer complaint-they
insist, argue, bully, and threaten.
Of course it's important to step up for our kids. And a
legitimate complaint is a legitimate complaint, but schools
aren't stores and teachers aren't cashiers. As parents,
we need to help schools do what they're supposed to do:
help our children prepare for successful lives.
Sometimes, however, parents have legitimate worries. And
when that's the case, there are ways to handle the matter.
1. Listen carefully to your child's side of the story. There
may be more to the story than meets the eye.
2. Don't assume that your son's or daughter's version is
the truth.
3. Don't promise you will battle with a teacher for your
child.
4. Conversations with a teacher about a concern should be
private.
5. Approach a teacher as someone on the same team. Listen
to the teacher's concerns.
6. Always share your concerns in a respectful and non-threatening
way.
7. Ask how you can support the teacher.
Remember, your son or daughter will be better served if
parents and teachers are teammates. Work together to make
sure that the kids not only learn their subjects but also
learn that respect, responsibility, and accountability are
just as important as getting good grades.
David Walsh, Ph.D. is the founder of the
MediaWise Movement, a program of the National Institute
on Media and the Family (www.mediawise.org).
His latest book, No: Why Kids - of All Ages - Need to Hear
It and Ways Parents Can Say It (Free Press) is available
in bookstores.
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